Enmeshment
“Integral to being emotionally healthy is to have a mother who has the ability to respect her child's differences and not perceive them as betrayals.”
Victoria Secunda
What does it mean to be enmeshed? Could enmeshment be unhealthy? Where does enmeshment emanate from? How does one heal from enmeshment?
What is Enmeshment?
Enmeshment refers to relationships that have become so intertwined that boundaries are non-existent or identical. Without boundaries, family members or partners will lack privacy, autonomy, emotional separateness, and independence. The condition of enmeshment may start early in life between mother and child or be continued and assimilated into a lifestyle with all relationships throughout one’s adulthood.
“A river without monsters is a scarier prospect because it means the water is unhealthy.” – Jeremy Wade
Is Enmeshment Unhealthy?
The negative ramifications of enmeshment are considerable. Because enmeshed individuals are people-pleasing, fear conflict, have a reliance on external validation, have an inability to act or think for self, and prefer dependency over independency, they will suffer from a lack of identity and sense of self.
These symptoms resonate with potentially emotional and cognitive disabling outcomes. In an age of massive decision-making demands, how will I manage my life independently with the burdens of enmeshment? When I set healthy boundaries am I riddled with guilt?
Do I eventually develop feelings of resentment due to my loss of identity or do I just capitulate? What mental health and developmental issues will emerge from these unhealthy enmeshment patterns?
Where Does Enmeshment Emanate From?
The most obvious derivation of enmeshment comes form overprotective parenting. The parent lacks healthy boundaries, which are constantly reinforced and demanded in the child-parent relationship. This reinforcement schedule may go well into adulthood, which ends up stifling the growth and development of the child into an independent and healthy individual.
Sometimes this pattern of enmeshment is the product of a multiple generational reinforcement. That is, my mother was enmeshed with her parents and now her children are also enmeshed, establishing a multigenerational pattern. This multigenerational pattern unless broken will continue to perpetuate for even more generations.
When families experience illness or trauma, sometimes long-term, the potential to initiate enmeshment patterns may be increased. Dependency has become paramount to ensure support in the family’s hour of need. However, this enforced dependency created by enmeshment cripples and inhibits the growth and development of the individuals within the family.
Immigrating to a new country may also catapult enmeshment into the family dynamic, at least temporarily. The newness of cultural demands may push the family into enclaves of similar language and heritage. Different cultural backgrounds may also cause family members to become more insular and dependent on one another to alleviate these cultural differences.
“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.”
Hippocrates
How Does One heal From Enmeshment?
The first step is to recognize that you are enmeshed in the relationship, whether this is family or your partner. Because there is a lack of boundaries in enmeshed relationships, new boundaries will have to be established. This may be difficult due to the emotionality of the dependency however new boundaries are critical to develop independence.
Because enmeshment deters the development of self, one will have to explore the new dimensions of self to find their new identity. This means the self will have to become more prominent than focusing on others. Self-care will commence and the subsequent acknowledgement of one’s new identity without enmeshment will begin.
This does not mean cutting ties with family members or your partner, it only means that you are establishing more balance in these relationships. This will not only be healthier for you, but also healthier for them.
One outcome from moving away from your enmeshment would include the development of new support systems. These new support systems, new friends or new partners, would still require healthy boundaries, self-care, and balance to flourish.
Becoming “Unmeshed”
Once you have escaped enmeshment your identity will experience the freedom of choice. Your decisions will not be based on the approval of others but will be your own. Your thoughts and feelings will not be sequestered by those people in the past that required your enmeshment for them to feel whole. Being “unmeshed” is about transitioning the restrictions of enmeshment and choosing one’s complete self.
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