Love: Conditional and Unconditional
“If my love is without sacrifice, it is selfish. Such a love is barter, for there is exchange of love and devotion in return for something. It is conditional love.”
Sadhu Vaswani
We often think of the best type of love as unconditional love. Surely to love unconditionally is the ideal love, right? The answer is yes and no. To love our children unconditionally is an absolute ideal because they are ultimately our responsibility to nurture and provide for. But what about our partner, or our friends? Can we really afford to love them unconditionally or are there consequences that require us to love conditionally? (1)
“Life cannot subsist in society but by reciprocal concessions.” – Samuel Johnson
Conditional Love
Unconditional love is having no boundaries. So, no matter what you do or say I will love you unconditionally. You will feel this type of love for your children undoubtedly but how will this affect your other relationships? Do we need conditional love to be safe?
Conditional love is reciprocal. It means I give my love but I also have some expectations of a return. Many unsuccessful couple’s relationships are one sided. That is, one person is giving love all the time while their partner is failing to reciprocate. This relationship reveals that giving my unconditional love no matter what my partner does will end in failure.
My partner may be verbally or physically abusive but when I still love unconditionally this violates my safety and my sense of identity. I work and provide domestic comfort and tranquillity, and my partner lounges around and does nothing while receiving my unconditional love, which only enables the problem due to my acquiescence.
There have to be conditions in a mutually responsible relationship. Mutuality builds respect within any relationship. When I feel I am giving more and receiving less eventually the relationship will start to break down, whether this is with a partner or a friend.
We also know that abuse tends to escalate over time. The paradox here is that when you are the enabler you naturally start to lose the respect of the abuser. It becomes more and more prevalent for the abuser to increase their power in the relationship.
Domestic violence is not necessarily an outcome from this lack of balance however the risks are potentially there. Conditional love in relationships allows each partner the safety of mutual responsibility and balance. You have expectations of your partner and they have expectations of you. There is no free ride where one person provides and the other does not.
“Good parents have unconditional love for their children.” – Leslyn Lewis
Unconditional Love
What is unconditional love? This is a type of love without expectations, without limitations and without judgement. Is this even possible? Perhaps, but the only way this can happen is if you do not require it to be reciprocal.
The parent with unconditional love for their child loves no matter what the reaction of your child because you realize they are not an adult but only a child. The child will love a parent back unconditionally for the same reasons. The child with unconditional love loves the parent in spite of how they are treated.
Unconditional love sounds permanent however, when either the child or the parent feels abused, they may lose their ability to love unconditionally. This usually has to be a severe sense of abuse but unconditional love can change or even die with continued abuse.
The abuse can come from physical, mental or emotional sources. Physical abuse breaks down one’s feelings of safety. Mental and emotional abuse can break down one’s sense of safety as well it may just take longer.
Judgement affects one’s feelings and sense of identity. Over time being judged will shift unconditional love to a more conditional love. The abused will begin to see certain limitations in the relationship and will require some distance to feel safe.
The abused, whether the child or parent, will also increase their expectations of the abuser to be protected. Now we see how expectations, limitations and judgement, that were absent when love was unconditional, can mutate to conditional love when abuse happens. Unconditional love it appears may not be permanent for everyone, and maybe it should not be. There will always be the danger with unconditional love that it really has conditions. Whether those conditions are power or control does not matter in the end, except that it will eventually become destructive to the relationship.
When we see families self-destruct, we are witnessing this very concept of how unconditional love in the beginning has deteriorated into conditional love and even estrangement. The potential for unconditional love is there but it must be maintained just like anything of value.
However, we also need to be aware that conditional love is just as salient due to our needs for safety. And, our safety is not just our physical being but includes our complete identity. That means, to protect the freedom to be who we are without relationships that restrict our growth and development. When unconditional love transitions to the need for a reciprocal relationship, unconditional love begins to die. And, this reality may not be all bad.
References
1-Henry P. (2004). The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing. Rainbow Books Inc., Highland City, Florida, USA.
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