Being a Pleaser
“I had years of therapy to recover from this. A lot of it had to do with being a people-pleaser, being the ultimate good girl. I wanted everyone to like me. I didn't really have a voice. I was afraid of growing up.” - Tracey Gold
Maybe you want to be liked, or you might need to be liked, or both. What’s wrong with that? How does being a people-pleaser affect you? We know it helps others but what about the pleaser? Is pleasing behaviour a masking behaviour to conceal something too painful or unknown to the pleaser?
What are some of the psychological implications to being a devoted people-pleaser? Are there any helpful strategies to alter this behaviour?
What is a People-Pleaser?
Anyone who consistently puts the needs, feelings, and approval of others over their own, is being a people-pleaser. This self-sacrifice has some very significant negative ramifications on the pleaser’s wellbeing. Many of these negative impacts on the pleaser are psychological.
Psychological Impact
When people are conflict avoidant, have porous boundaries, always agreeable and self-sacrificing, they are putting others above themselves. This leads to self-esteem issues for the pleaser. Having self-esteem issues alone deflates confidence and has a negative effect on identity.
Pleasers value others more and themselves less. Pleasers are dependent on being accepted or liked by others at the expense of expressing their own identity. Perpetual discounting of the self will only exacerbate this issue and amplify the pleasing behaviour.
When we disregard our own interests for others, we may not only be conforming to behaviours or thoughts that we don’t believe in, we may be reinforcing a capitulation to harmful beliefs. Avoiding external conflict does not mean we are free from our own internal conflict. This internal conflict can last much longer. Internal conflict can metastasise into depression or anxiety issues.
Long-term this people-pleasing strategy, which works on the outside, may create internal issues that lead to even more serious internal conflicts like self-harming or suicidal ideation. Eventually, resentment toward self or others could lead to relationship burnout. The frustration of being in a relationship reaches a point of diminishing returns. What is given in the relationship outweighs what the pleaser is getting back. The relationship may end.
“I was an only child for 16 years. I didn't realize it at the time, but that experience definitely turned me into a people pleaser. I always tried to do what was expected of me, and I constantly sought reassurance from the adults around me that I was doing a good job.” - Chandra Wilson
What Causes Pleasing Behaviour?
Some people exhibit fawning behaviour as a result of trauma. In order to maintain the peace in relationships, the traumatised person fawns on the other to avoid rejection, be liked, and avoid any conflict.
Avoidance designed to protect from feelings of being alone may also trigger an emotional dependency on others. This tendency is especially harmful to the pleaser since it could create feelings of an emotional void, or feeling empty and numb.
“I kind of had a hard time growing up because I was such a people-pleaser; I was so desperate to be whatever I felt people wanted me to be. And I felt like the traditional beauty standards really affected me; they didn't always resonate with me.” - Jenna Ortega
People-Pleasing Resistance
Because people-pleasing is usually a life-long issue, it will take time and effort to change these behaviours. Pleasers experiencing years of pleasing other’s wants and needs will sometimes have no idea what they themselves really want or need. This has never been their focus or concern so it is new and unknown territory. Changing pleaser behaviour is difficult because the pleaser is not normally introspective due to their over emphasis of the other and lack of focus on themselves.
The first order of change for the pleaser would be to determine what their needs and wants are. Since you are known as a pleaser to others, you will have to set new limits and boundaries on how, when or should you help others. You can still say yes to helping others but make sure it is what you want to do as well.
Be sure to speak up if something does not feel right for you. Work on not avoiding the external conflict with someone at the expense of an internal conflict later on. Trust your internal voice to remind you that you are just as important as anybody else.
Maintaining your healthy boundaries will allow your pleasing nature to transition to a healthier place. Now you are in a place where you do not have to feel obligated to rescue others at the cost of your own identity.
“Identity is part of drama to me. Who am I, why am I behaving this way, and am I aware of it?” - Matthew Weiner
Implications
When you surround yourself with needy people you may feel the need in yourself to rescue them. This is a trap, especially for the people-pleaser. Your identity is being challenged to stand up for what and who you are. That might even feel a little alien if you are not used to doing that.
What can you do about this? Surround yourself with people who are more self-reliant. They will most likely not be looking for your approval or your help.
This new circle of friends and associates will usually, but not always, have similar values to your new self. When values clash you can still voice your own opinion without the demand to appease the other person. Debate is a healthy exercise.
Speaking truth to others is actually considerate and kind. When you are representing yourself in a pseudo way it is dishonest and unkind.
People will not know who you are. Even worse, you will not know who you are. Your identity will be compromised and become whatever someone in need requires it to be.
As you become more real to yourself and others, your confidence will build and your true identity will become more visible, robust and fulfilling. Your previous self as a pleaser will no longer coerce you into being there for other people in need because you will be too busy supporting your own identity. This is not selfish, it is self-care.
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